Unmuted

{Photo courtesy of Flickr}

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate, I do.”

Romans 7:15

If you admit to doing the exact thing as Paul is explaining please stand up… I think I beat you all, I stood up the fastest because this scripture describes me perfectly right now. Sometimes I wish it was never written in the Bible so that I didn’t have to admit to it. HA! And the more I read it, the more I come up with two really convincing conclusions:

#1 – Paul was prophesying this over me

-or-

#2 – Paul also was a human being, who also struggled with the hardest fight of all, the fight within himself.

I would like to believe the second!

I have very recently walked into a brand new adventure with God. This adventure is dangerous, and God was so generous to warn me, but I truly had no idea! “God I will do whatever you say! I just want to be closer to you, I want to be more like you! Tear me apart God, PLEASE!”

I had no idea that what has happened with me both internally and externally was going to happen. Two days in and I have lost friends and have entered one of the toughest mental battles I have ever had…just to days! The torment is overwhelming, the pain is unbearable, the emotional buildup and suppression is suffocating and I find myself right in the middle of Paul’s deepest cry.

Why do I act this way? Why do I take so long to choose, especially when I know what I need to do? Why does my heart scream for my identity spoken by God, but my mind does not even want to walk through the black cave that is placed before me to get there? Why even when I know Jesus has my hand, do I still want to turn and run back to where I came thinking that somehow it has got to be better than this? My heart goes forward with my Father, but my mind thinks He has lost His mind! The fight to keep my heart and my mind on the same page is exhausting, and I often find myself doing what I hate even though I want to only do what I want, which is God’s desires for my life. But so often, I act out of emotion, and I back out or I stop, but how do I know?

Something I have learned and something I have cried out to God for the past two years is, “No matter how much I cry or pitch a fit, hear my heart God and please go with that. Take me with you Father, no matter what!” God knows the desire of my heart, and thank Him that’s what He listens to.

Paul is an inspiration! He was bold enough to tell everyone who reads the bible that he is a screw up and that he often does what he hates. But look at Paul, look at who he was. He was one of the most radical Jesus freaks on the face of the planet! He changed the world as it was known at that time. He has influenced generations and has sent the fire of the Holy Spirit into hearts even hundreds of years later.

But Paul?…are you kidding? Look at what he said! He cannot even do what his heart wants but instead does what he hates! How could he be chosen? Because God looks at the position of our hearts, not our mind’s temper tantrums. And thank God, for it is because of that reason that I too am chosen, that you are chosen, that all of God’s children are chosen! So although this verse describes how I am feeling and what many of us feel all the time, it is not who I am, or who you are.

My heart is pure! I thank God that He will take me through this season and not only refuse to stop at the desires of my mind, but that He loves me enough to comfort my mind and my emotions to eventually bring them into line with my heart and His Word. I can rest in the fact that God will not leave my emotions to torment me for the rest of my life, but that He will deliver me from them and that I do not find shame in the writing of Paul and the flaw that he and I share.

So now I say, bring it on black cave because you will not defeat me! If Jesus is going in there, then so am I! My father has my hand and fear can not overcome me. Shame will not dwell in me, because God knows the desires of my heart and He is the one who has formed it and makes it golden. He will protect me and He knows what He is doing. I trust in my Father and I trust in where He is leading me.

Despite the delay in my choices, I will go! Despite the child who just got told “no”, screaming and rolling on the floor in the middle of the candy store that so often appears in my mind, I will go! Despite the impossible obstacle course that I can see ahead, I will go!

Thank you Jesus for the endurance that is deep within us all. Thank you for the grace to run this race and for the pace that you have set for us to run it. Thank you for You, the Trinity, in which God walks behind me so that I will not run back, for the Holy Spirit who goes just ahead to lead the way, and for Jesus who is holding my hand to love me and walk me through the whole journey, all the way to the end!

{Submitted by Lauren Edwards}